It wasn’t till we got here that I realized the negative pattern I’d fallen into. Once we started playing and exploring in our new area, it finally dawned on me how little I’d been prioritizing fun the past three years. In fact, I’d mostly replaced my previous insatiable thirst for adventure with a never-ending cycle of self-deprecation and the draining pressure I put on myself to succeed.
I finally noticed how much my mind was playing thoughts like these on repeat:
- “I should be making more money”
- “I should be further ahead”
- “I should be working on my business / finding more freelance / a better paying job”
- “I should clean the kitchen instead of going on a bike ride”
- “I should get up at 6:00 on Saturday and get two hours in on the computer before Brian wakes up”
The amount I was shoulding on myself was insane. Even when we were out doing something that was supposed to be fun, my mind was often somewhere else or buried in my phone. I was guilt-tripping myself for doing something that was supposed to fill my cup, instead of truly enjoying the moment. The result: my cup didn’t end up very full (and oftentimes, it felt downright empty).
After the move, I finally realized that the constant berating of myself – the beating myself up every day, sometimes every hour, because I’m not doing MORE – wasn’t serving me. In fact, not only was it making me feel awful, I became completely disconnected from the aliveness I felt back in 2017-19.
When I pause to reflect on who I was back then, I wasn’t shoulding on myself very much at all. Having survived a diagnosis that could’ve possibly killed me, and also knowing that my mom’s days could be numbered (which of course, they were), there was no room for that kind of self-deprecation.
As cliche as it sometimes sounded, I knew that life was precious and short – and that is the basis for which I chose all of my thoughts, habits, decisions, and actions.
So why I haven’t I been able to do that these last few years? I’m not entirely sure, but I suspect the distance from our double C-word diagnoses has made space for societal conditioning to rush back into my brain.
It’s no secret that in America, we don’t value time off, fun, and self-care as much as people in other parts of the world. According to Forbes, 765 million vacation days have gone unused, and 52% of Americans report working while on vacation. The pervasive message is: hustle harder and you’ll succeed. Work is more important than anything else, including your physical and mental health, and (sometimes) even your family and friends. Sacrifice, prove your worthiness, and you’ll get ahead!
As much as I really don’t want to be a part of this narrative, it’s hard to escape the very culture you live in. The only way to exit this prescribed way of living (short of moving abroad), is to consciously choose to do so.
The first step in doing this is noticing when the shoulding shows up. I’m starting to do a better job of this, but still need a lot of practice before it becomes an automatic behavior, wired into the neural pathways of my brain.
The second step is to consciously choose something else besides the “should”. That could be a lot of things, but right now that sounds a lot like forgiveness and self-compassion:
- “It’s ok for me to take time off”
- “I don’t have to think about this right now”
- “I don’t need to have all the answers today”
- “I know when I let myself relax, inspiration and ideas flow in”
The other night I went down a rabbit hole of trying to figure what I want my next business to be. I binged a course, watching lessons on 1.75x speed, pushing to get through. But the farther I got in the course, the more confused and overwhelmed I felt. I got into bed defeated, feeling like I’d made no progress. And then I noticed the judgmental, berative thought: “I should be able to figure this out. Why haven’t I yet?”
Before I laid down and pulled the covers up, I picked up my journal. I wrote the thought down, then chose a replacement thought:
“I can let this be for tonight. I’ll think about this later. I’m allowed to relax about this.”
Miraculously, I was able to let go of the “should” thought, and I fell asleep within minutes. The next morning, I woke up feeling lighter and less attached to needing answers, and even remembered some of the fun, playful business ideas I wrote down while on vacation last week.
This may seem like a tiny, insignificant shift. But when we practice catching and replacing the shoulds, doing it again and again until it becomes an automatic behavior, we make room for magic to flow in.
That might look like simply allowing ourselves to experience the joy and presence of doing something fun, or opening up to bigger possibilities we couldn’t see when we were too busy shoulding all over ourselves.
So I’m building this habit one day, one hour at a time, trusting that it’ll lead me to something fantastic. We’ll see what unfolds ❤️