The past few years I’ve been feeling something I couldn’t quite articulate… a discontent, a subtle longing for something different. While it wouldn’t feel accurate to say I haven’t been happy, there’s been an underlying sense of something being “off”. An unsettled, perhaps unfulfilled feeling. In comparison to the 2-3 years of my life pre-pandemic, I feel like I haven’t truly been thriving.

Seven years ago, my mom and I were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer, the same month. It was one of the scariest, most anxiety-inducing experiences of my life. While this devastating coincidence felt beyond bizarre – it was also a gift.

Fortunately, the only treatment I needed was surgery, as we caught my cancer at stage 1a. Once I recovered and came out of the shock of our double diagnoses, something profound shifted in me.

I suddenly felt an aliveness I’d never felt before. Between escaping a fate that could’ve been much worse, and the uncertainty of what my mom’s journey might look like, I felt like I’d been shaken awake by the universe. With a new awareness of my and my loved ones’ mortality, I wanted to truly LIVE.

When my body was nearly healed, Brian, my husband, and I headed to the desert with four friends to go on a backcountry bike trip. I wasn’t sure if I’d be strong enough to ride, but I ended up biking 60 of the 100 miles.

Between the starry desert nights, the soulful conversation with friends, and a body that blew my mind with its ability to not only heal, but move joyfully through the most spectacular scenery, I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

I wanted more of this feeling.

In the months that followed, I made it my mission to make adventure, travel, and time with family and friends my highest priorities over everything else. I said “yes” to everything that felt fun and that made me happy, and “no” to the things that did not. We spent a week in the Bahamas. We went camping more times than I can count. I reconnected with old friends. I visited my mom for several extended trips, joining her on little wildflower hikes when she felt good, and watching movies on the couch with her when she didn’t.

Prior to our diagnoses, I’d been hustling hard to make my dream of owning a successful creative business a reality. But that drive took a backseat to the people and experiences that made me feel deep presence, joy, gratitude, and love.

Over the next 3 years or so, I continued to live this way, prioritizing all the things that lit me up. I worked on my business from a place of inspiration and excitement— and it grew quickly, almost effortlessly. My marriage deepened, and I felt closer to Brian than I ever had before. I made new soulmate friendships with like-minded, adventurous women. I was in the best shape of my life; vibrant, healthy, and fit. And I traveled more than I ever have, visiting places like British Columbia, Costa Rica, and Patagonia.

Everything just flowed.

Life felt amazing, and I knew in my bones it wasn’t a coincidence. This energy I was living in – this love and appreciation for life – was attracting opportunities, ideas, and inspiration that were leading to awesome things.

By 2019, I had a deep desire to share this experience with others. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, “Life doesn’t have to be so hard! We’re supposed to have fun! And look what magic can unfold when we do!!”. I started exploring ways to help others experience their own transformations, and this blog was born. In 2020, I got my coaching certification, and began coaching clients.

But somewhere along the journey, I started to lose my way. I had sold one of my businesses that didn’t fulfill me anymore. However, selling it meant I cut my income by nearly 65%, which created a lot of internal pressure to build something new (and more meaningful), asap.

Layer on top of this that my mom passed away, seven months into a worldwide pandemic. Between the grief of her loss and the turmoil going on everywhere, life just didn’t seem like it was supposed to feel fun anymore.

I stopped feeling that aliveness I’d once felt… and life just didn’t flow the way it did before. Everything felt harder or took more effort. I gained 10 pounds. My relationships felt a little less connected. And I couldn’t seem to replicate my business success, no matter how much I tried (I finally broke down and got a job last year – gasp!).

So I’ve started to wonder…

What would it take for me to reconnect with that alive, present, joyful, fun energy… without a scary diagnosis or brush with death?

I don’t have all the answers, but I have an intuitive nudge that’s been forming into a real theory… if I can deliberately return to that place of always putting fun, joy, adventure, and love first… of reconnecting with that aliveness… things are going to start to flow again. Life is going to feel easier and more free, and I’m going to feel more inspired, creative, happy, and satisfied.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know all the steps. But starting to write again on this blog is the first one. By giving myself the assignment to show up and write every week, I’m holding myself accountable to exploring and intentionally connecting with the energy I felt seven years ago.

So I’m committing publicly to this experiment. One year of documenting my journey, testing my hypothesis that prioritizing fun and joy will result in ease, flow, connection, and abundance. Anything I learn along the way, any insights or a-has, I’ll be sure to share with you.

But I also plan to be real. I know there will be times when this project feels hard, or I simply don’t feel like having fun. The goal here is not perfection, but playful and gentle exploration of something that has the potential to majorly uplevel my life experience – and maybe others’ too.

My plan had been to publish this post a week ago, before I went on vacation to visit my family at the beach. But it wasn’t quite ready, and in the spirit of prioritizing FUN, I postponed it. Instead, I went paddle boarding and hiking, ate crab cakes and locally sourced poke bowls, played with my nephew in the ocean, watched dozens of dolphins frolic in the surf, drank wine, ate Dumser’s ice cream, and sat and talked for hours with family and friends. And it was perfect.

Now I’m back in Colorado, rested and heart full, eager and excited for what’s next.

I don’t know what will unfold from this project, but I have a really good feeling it’s going to be something amazing.